Happy Sunday Everyone:
A big shout out to all the dad’s today! Happy Father’s Day!
I like to ask questions that cause me to look in the mirror, to evaluate what side of the fence I’m standing on. A question I consider often of others, and me, is this: are people, and in this case, my boys, better “because of me”, or “in spite of” me. Are your children better because of you, or in spite of you? Are you better because of your parents, or in spite of your parents. For today, are you better because of your dad, or in spite of your dad? Both concepts are powerful. My own dad was the cause of me considering this concept in the first place, so I’m stoked to be writing about it today again. I said at his eulogy, as I’ve said many times in these thoughts; anything I am that is good today is because of my dad.
When you think about the concept, there is no such thing as a net neutral. When you sit on that for a bit, and realize that every action, comment, and decision you make falls into the “because of” or “in spite of” bucket, it makes you think more about those comments, those actions, those decisions. I’d like to believe my boys would say they’re leaning toward the “because of” side of having a good life thus far with me as their dad. But holy cow can I go back and think of some things that were absolutely 100% in the “in spite of” category. Same goes for my own dad. He wasn’t perfect, none of us are, or will ever be, but keeping this concept front and center, has helped me in my words, my actions, and my decisions as I’ve matured as a dad. Asking myself “is this going to help or is this going to hurt”. Is this comment needed? Is this building confidence in my boys or taking it away? Are my words/actions showing conditional or unconditional love? Am I appreciating them for who they are as individuals?
I commented as I started my dad’s eulogy on our relationship that there was “Up to 18 and after 18”. The same is true for me with my boys. My dad was in the “because of” category, but as he matured, the teeter totter moved substantially, to almost entirely “because of”. His last years as a dad and a papa were his best years. His only condition in the end was for Jack/Thomas to be assets to society. As I’m sitting here typing and thinking, I can’t help but go back to a small portion of what I wrote about him in his eulogy. I certainly can’t explain him being my dad in a paragraph, but in a funny way, it goes through the teeter totter shifting as he matured. I’m hopeful I’m on the same trajectory with Jack & Thomas.
Everything is 100% accurate, the first part was meant to be funny, and it was.
“A hero to Hillary and me-two phases of having my dad as my dad. Up to 18, and after 18. He pounded principals into us through his actions. In the world of frugality, after a bird crapped on my burger in Dana Point, Ca when I was 8, he told me to eat around it, true story. That didn’t go over well when I told my mom. He taught us patience and calmness, an example of this was Hillary and I arguing on a family trip to Gettysburg. He calmly slammed the door to our vanagon, only to have it fall off and lay in the parking lot. Marckwardts are passionate people. Truth is my parents worked their butts off to create a foundation for our family in the early years. I really started to get to know dad when I was a teenager and even more so during and after college. People talk about having a personal board of directors, dad was chairman of mine, and Hillary’s too. Every decision either of us ever made in our lives that mattered was run through my dad. I can hear him saying “let’s get out a t chart and write down the pros and cons of each decision”. He was so genuinely interested in our lives. He cared so much about our progress, our setbacks, and the path forward. He was honored to be invited to the table to solve a problem. He would listen like no other. He never gave an answer, he just asked enough questions where the answer became obvious. In the beginning years of work, he taught us to grind, first one in last one out, compete, win, success. Being a student of life, as he matured, this message was tamed, and it was felt by us. Live a good life, a responsible life, but enjoy the ride. One of my favorite memories of my dad was just 6 months ago. We went for a ride in my old Lincoln, top down, chatting away. We stopped for a beer in Danville. Him thinking I might be burning the candle a bit too much on both ends, said to me “Hunter, you need to slow down a bit and enjoy your life more”. He looked at it as fatherly advice, I looked at it as my hero giving me permission to reprioritize”.
Thanks for taking the time if you’re still reading. As long as you’re a dad, and you’re still alive, you can impact the teeter totter for the better!